Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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