you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My cat gives me a boner
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
