Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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