Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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