Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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