Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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