Just fell off a train. Bad.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
