How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
