I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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