After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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