Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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