i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
