His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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