sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
