she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
