you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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