he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
