well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
