Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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