My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
