don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i think i scared a bird with my dick
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
