When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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