I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
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Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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