my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
