we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
