There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
