I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
