Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wish my penis had an off switch
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize