omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
