Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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