there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
