I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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