Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just had sex on a roof
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
