does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I think people are normalizing furries
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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