So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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