I wish I could teleport
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
