I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
