Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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