Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
