Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
