Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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