Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
whose parrot is this?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
