Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Houston, we have a squirter
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
