Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
