Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Someone signed my nipple.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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