you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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