he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
