remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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