she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
