dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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