btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
