So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
