If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
