Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
