Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
